The Little Things Mean the Most

Okay, so I had a pretty long, rough day yesterday and all I wanted to do was get home, shower the barn and horse crap off of me and crawl into bed with an obscene amount of drugs to kill the pain and muscle spasms. My roommates were out and I was alone. Once showered and in jammies sitting in bed checking my email my one roommate comes home from work and did a happy dance. Robbi was thrilled that I was still awake (it was 10:15 pm and those who know me know that I am usually well into dreamland by then). She came running into my room with her huge bag and said "I got you a present". I questioned her reasoning and she simply replied that she knew I would have had a hard day so she went and got me a present. Now Robbi works at the LCBO and I was thinking booze to dull the pain. Nope, not booze, something so much better! She went out to a special store and bought me a Serenity metal lunch box. How cool is that?

Now for all you people out there that don't know what I mean you should. Firefly - the best show ever is the tv series that started the whole Serenity movie. Firefly was a Joss Whedon creation that was very short lived. It is set 500 years in the future where people fly around in spaceships and are all cowboy like and swear in Chinese. There are very funny lines and very sad moments and the characters just become your friends. It was not appreciated in its time for what it was. It is a cult classic and due to the fans unrelenting pestering it was given a slight reprieve by giving the funding to create a motion picture years after the show was cancelled and off the air. I mean that never happens to a cancelled show where they didn't even air all the episodes. I strongly urge all people out there that has any sense of taste to go, rent or better yet buy the series to do so. You won't regret it. I watch it daily, over and over and still laugh and cry. I will caution those new to the show that the first episode can be a bit slow and you may not want to watch another episode but please do as they only get better as they go along and you get to know the characters. I sat down with my parents and watched the entire series in one sitting as we got hooked. I sat my previous roommate down and watched it again with her and she was hooked. I once again have watched the entire series with my new roommate and she too was hooked. Its just damn good writing and I for one am really looking forward to Joss's new series the Dollhouse which starts on Fox in January.

So thank you Robbi from the bottom of my heart for my surprise gift which will be put to good use. I can honestly say Firefly ... I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.

Oh My Bod

A new invention has been let loose on the market. First featured in O (Oprah's magazine) and brought to my attention by my boss's wife while getting ready for a wedding there is a new little gizmo attachment for your iPod. Da da da da (think fanfare)... the OhMiBod.

This handy little gadget plugs into your iPod and goes to town on your nether regions to the beat of your favourite tunes on your iPod (or any other musical device with a headphone jack). Ingenious really. Sleek, discrete and not at all imposing this little vibrator could really give new meaning to the iPod Touch. They also have a Naughty Nano version (which I think is the prettiest).

Deemed as the best invention in Australia and in Europe it has now made it's way across the big puddle to the USA and Canada. Various places sell this little dude for between $60 - 160. There are also different attachments such as a penis shaped sleeve, a smaller version that is set to attach to your cell and when you place or receive a call, it goes to work, some even act as a dual purpose and can also be used with out your iPod - you know the old fashioned way of just plain old vibrating, no gizmos, bells or whistles.

As I have stated in my previous posts about vibrators (no, I am not obsessed with sex, its just people keep on telling me about these things) what will they come up with next? I must admit though, the thought of rocking out with my cock out to all my favourite tunes is a bit intriguing. So if people are looking for that perfect gift for a birthday or Christmas, I'll take one Naughtinano in blueberry please.

Rubber Ducky - you're the one!

So here I was thinking that I would like to use the MSN instant messenger picture of the rubber ducky as my profile picture in Facebook. Without spending hours going through all my computer files trying to find the stock photos that MSN pulls from I just googled "MSN rubber ducky picture".

The cute little guy popped right up along with a story on the origin of this rubber ducky picture. Curious as I was I went to the page and read the story. This little guy is actually a personal vibrator. Yes my friends, the people of the world do not have enough things to do with their lives that they have to make sex toys out of our childhood friends/toys. Billed (no pun intended) as the personal vibrator that you can proudly display in your bathtub for all to see and guests will just think that it is a regular rubber ducky toy. But if they touch him or squeeze him, he will spring into full vibrating action to double their pleasure, double their bathroom fun. If you don't want a boy ducky doing his thing for your private parts, you can order a pretty pink one - the Daisy model complete with a tantalizing feather boa. Yet they even take it to the next level by making a travel sized version that you can take to any hotel with pride.

What's next in the kids toys turned sex toys. Will Fisher Price come out with a "little people's" vibrator, or will Leap Frog go on to make a sex doll that teaches you the proper names for all the special places. I dare say that someone has surely thought of a Mr. Potato Head vibrator with a multitude of attachments to increase your person pleasure. How far can and will the sex toy industry go? And another question is, why is MSN a widely used instant messaging program downloading and displaying sex toy pictures for all ages to choose as their profile picture?

I am all for free sex and toys and such stuff for consenting adults but really, using vibrator pictures as your profile pic - especially for young children is crossing the line. So children and prudes beware when your in the bathroom. Think twice before you reach for the rubber ducky in the tub to play with in the bath, you never know where that little dude has been.

The Body Shop of Horrors

Okay. So I went and ordered new make up from the Body Shop the other week on line. I was surprised how easy it was and how quickly my order arrived (9 am the next morning). I thought "hey, I am done with going to the mall now that I can get all my Body Shop goodies on line!" Little did I know, I was entering the Body Shop of Horrors.

So I was excited to try out the new stuff so I showered, and put on my new make-up. Not bad, but not outstanding considering the price I paid for it. Within an hour both my eyes and lips had swollen up. I was obviously having an allergic reaction to one or more of the new products. I quickly took some allergy drugs and washed my face, neck, hands and body. Six hours later I was more comfortable and just looked like I had been crying for the past month and had a major case of acne. I was disappointed but not discouraged as I have bought from the Body Shop for many many years and love their perfume and body butter. Their service has always been outstanding and friendly. I told one sales person that I had bought a bottle of vanilla perfume oil a year ago and the perfume was not the light clear liquid it once was. She apologized for that, asked me to bring it in the next time I was in and they would exchange it for a new bottle. Who does that? Who exchanges product a year later? See, great customer service.

My eyes have been opened as to the real customer service that they now provide. I gathered up the new make-up that I tried out and went to the mall after work to return the products as the on-line return/exchange policy is you can take it to ANY store and get a full refund. NOT true. I was told by the sales person that they do not accept exchanges or returns from the on-line store. I explained about the allergic reaction and how unhappy I was and that I was guaranteed that I could return this to any store. She said "I'm sorry we can't help you. My manager has just left for the day and you will have to come back when she is here as she is the only one who can authorize this return". What? Excuse me? I have the Body Shop receipt that states right on it return for refund or exchange within 30 days to any store. Still no go. I was pissed. I packed everything up and stormed out of the store. I got home and emailed the company's customer service asking them to explain to me how I can go about getting a refund. I have yet to receive a response. I tried calling their 1 800 number and waited on hold for 25 minutes and finally hung up out of frustration and still have not talked to anyone. I spent $100 on a body lotion, lipstick, face powder, blush and eye liner and it was a total waste of money and I am not sure if I ever want to deal with the Body Shop ever again. If I am getting the bums rush on this I am bound and determined to tell everyone that I know that the Body Shop does not honour their own policies and is out to scam the consumer. I wish that this wasn't true but I have had nothing but misery over this whole experience. I know one thing for sure, even if I do shop there ever again, it will never be on line and I will never buy make up from there.

Beware my friends, be careful of what you buy and never try to return something to the Body Shop of Horrors.


UPDATE: After several calls to the store and finally a manager assuring me that if I came back in they would in deed refund my money I did get to return the offending products.

I do love the Body Shop and do still shop there but never on line again. I still to this date have not heard back from the on line store's customer service which does not bode well for their on line business. As for the staff member who I initially dealt with in the store (for those who were wondering) she was not a trainee or a newbe, she had been there for some time as I had seen her there on one of my previous shopping trips. She simply stated that "we do not do refunds from the on line store. We never have. A woman came in around Christmas to return product that she had bought on line and we didn't accept it. You have to return to the on line store."

High School Reunions - Stairway to Heaven or Highway to Hell?

So I am faced with having to go to my high school reunion tomorrow and yes I am going under duress. Its not going and seeing people that I haven't seen in years or going and not knowing a single soul or even worse, going and no one remembers me that worries me but rather the fact of what the hell am I going to wear?

Fashion has changed a lot in the 17 years since I last wandered the halls of my former school. Leg warmers were in, then out and now strangely back in again but do I want to put those on with my mini skirt, fluorescent, hyper-colour t-shirt, anklet socks with the lace around the ankles and go go boots? Or should I go with the jeans, over sized sweatshirt and impossibly big hair? This decision could effect the rest of my life, for better or worse. Once decided upon the outfit the hair and make up come next. Do I do the big do? Pull it back with a scrunchy? Ruin the ozone with cans of hairspray to make sure it stays in place? Get a really bad spiral perm and try to pass it off as natural? Put on that baby blue eye shadow, black eye liner that would make any goth proud, the Faces 59 lipstick (yes I still have a tube for the special occasions) or do I go all natural? Again, too many choices.

Don't even get me started on accessories. The 4 foot bead necklaces that wrap several times around your neck, the rubber bracelets, the huge Janet Jackson hoop earrings, belts (yes plural) around your hips or worse yet right on your waist...all these accessories are somewhere in my basement in boxes somewhere. Any way you look at it, if I choose to dress as I did in high school to help people remember who I am, I am doomed.

I think in order to get me through the next 24 hours I will just have to do as Frankie says and "Relax", and hope that my head stops "Spinning Right Round Baby Right Round, Like a Record Baby Right Round Round Round" and pray that "Billy won't be a Hero". But then again he may come in and do the "Stay Cat Strut" and we'll all scream "Lets Hear it for the Boy" and promise all our long lost friends that we will "Always" be friends "With or Without You". I will have "Pride" in my school that is on the "Street with no Name".

Strongly Disillusioned

I have had the most distressing day for quite some time. I have been personally violated in broad daylight on my front porch. Now I always thought that I lived in a nice quiet SAFE neighbourhood. I have lived here all my 35 years and often don't lock my doors or bolt the windows or even lock my car. I thought I was safe but apparently I was dead wrong. Let me fill you in.

I arrived home from work at 5pm. Came in to the house, fed the dog, petted the kitty and then left again with the dog to go right around the corner to my parent's house (a 1 minute walk) to pick up my tax return. I decided to stay for a short bit to talk to my dad about work, life, what not (I know life is not what not blah blah blah). I was leaving and home again before 6pm. That is when it happened. I got up onto my porch and went to pick up my blue box to take it to the curb as tomorrow is garbage day. It was missing. NO not my blue box but my shovel that I had placed in my blue box to keep it from blowing away in the strong winds. It was there when I left to go to my parents because I made a mental note to myself "self, I said, put your shovel in the garage when you get home". I reached out but no shovel handle was there to grab. I mean someone came up to my front door and actually took my shovel. Who the hell does that? Really, I want to know. Who dares to take someone's shovel off their front porch in broad daylight and in the middle of APRIL. What am I going to do now if we do get that freak snowstorm? I mean we do live in Canada...it does snow here. I won't be able to go anywhere, I can't shovel my way out - the ass who took my shovel saw to that. I will be house bound and probably die of starvation all because some jerk stole my shovel. It was a good shovel too - ergonomic handle, reinforced scoop and blade and most of all a gift from my daddy. Now its gone, gone for good. I am pissed and if I ever find out who took my shovel they had better run for the hills cause I will call in the army, navy and if necessary, the marines too cause no one has the right to steal my shovel! Do people forget that I am trained in use of force takedowns? I can f*#k you up people. Now I need to go and try and find my house keys so I can start to lock the place up. Its not a safe world anymore so watch your backs - your shovel may be the next target.

Birthdays and the Devil

Most who know me and I mean really know me realize that birthdays are not usually a happy day for me. I rarely celebrate them (I think last year was the first time I had a party since I was 16) and I see them as yet another reminder in this universe that I have not lived up to my own standards and expectations. I haven't achieved the dream job, the dream man, the dream car, dream family or any other dreams. Try as I might, I end up falling short.

Growing up I always thought that by the age of 27 I would have established myself in a career and married my dream man and started my family. Well 27 came and went and kicked me in the ass on the way by. In fact it has been a decade now since I have had a relationship with anyone so I think it is fair to say that I missed that dream. As for my dream job and career, I found it but only this year and I have to patiently wait for my forever job to go full time, until that happens I am forced to work 4 part time jobs (7 days a week) just to support myself (as I don't have the dream man to help with the bills). I have the house and lease the car and I do have a family but that consists of 3 kids with fur and only 2 of them will let me pet or touch them.

I know, 35 is not old but to me it is. It is a realization that for me having a flesh family is not going to happen. If I ever did have children, I would want to be married for a couple of years and well I would want to have a relationship with the man for a couple of years before the wedding so that would put me at getting pregnant over 40 and that is if I met my dream man today. No thanks. I don't want to be retired from my job before my children move out to go to university. Now again those who really know me are saying "but you don't want kids". Not necessarily true. I don't want kids on my own but when you meet the right person, you may change your mind and suddenly want to procreate. I accept that and up until this birthday that looms with impending doom I had that option. I could deviate from my time line but lets face it, I am not getting any younger and I just could not face the fact of starting my family when I am over 40.

Birthdays are also a good marker of how many true friends you have. You can judge it by how many emails you get, cards, phone calls, gifts or how many of your friends want to go out and celebrate with you. This year, that is not happening. There is no big party planned like last year, not one of my friends has called to suggest getting together (and don't take this as a guilt trip) and to top it all off my grandmother has taken to becoming gravely ill. So this year, it does not appear that it will be a "happy birthday" after all.

Ah poor me's and pity but not really. I have come to this conclusion on my own without prejudice. It is logical and empirical, I have charts and tables to prove it with complicated equations. As we grow older our friends drift apart, have their own lives and families and are not readily available for all night birthday bashes. And let's face it, we're not getting any younger and staying up past 10pm is a huge feat. To go out drinking and whooping it up I think would just about kill me and take another week to recover.

So all I ask is this, take a moment to take stock in your own life and look at your dreams and hopes and see how close you are to achieving them and then join me in my wallowing and realization that indeed Birthdays are the devil.