Birthdays and the Devil

Most who know me and I mean really know me realize that birthdays are not usually a happy day for me. I rarely celebrate them (I think last year was the first time I had a party since I was 16) and I see them as yet another reminder in this universe that I have not lived up to my own standards and expectations. I haven't achieved the dream job, the dream man, the dream car, dream family or any other dreams. Try as I might, I end up falling short.

Growing up I always thought that by the age of 27 I would have established myself in a career and married my dream man and started my family. Well 27 came and went and kicked me in the ass on the way by. In fact it has been a decade now since I have had a relationship with anyone so I think it is fair to say that I missed that dream. As for my dream job and career, I found it but only this year and I have to patiently wait for my forever job to go full time, until that happens I am forced to work 4 part time jobs (7 days a week) just to support myself (as I don't have the dream man to help with the bills). I have the house and lease the car and I do have a family but that consists of 3 kids with fur and only 2 of them will let me pet or touch them.

I know, 35 is not old but to me it is. It is a realization that for me having a flesh family is not going to happen. If I ever did have children, I would want to be married for a couple of years and well I would want to have a relationship with the man for a couple of years before the wedding so that would put me at getting pregnant over 40 and that is if I met my dream man today. No thanks. I don't want to be retired from my job before my children move out to go to university. Now again those who really know me are saying "but you don't want kids". Not necessarily true. I don't want kids on my own but when you meet the right person, you may change your mind and suddenly want to procreate. I accept that and up until this birthday that looms with impending doom I had that option. I could deviate from my time line but lets face it, I am not getting any younger and I just could not face the fact of starting my family when I am over 40.

Birthdays are also a good marker of how many true friends you have. You can judge it by how many emails you get, cards, phone calls, gifts or how many of your friends want to go out and celebrate with you. This year, that is not happening. There is no big party planned like last year, not one of my friends has called to suggest getting together (and don't take this as a guilt trip) and to top it all off my grandmother has taken to becoming gravely ill. So this year, it does not appear that it will be a "happy birthday" after all.

Ah poor me's and pity but not really. I have come to this conclusion on my own without prejudice. It is logical and empirical, I have charts and tables to prove it with complicated equations. As we grow older our friends drift apart, have their own lives and families and are not readily available for all night birthday bashes. And let's face it, we're not getting any younger and staying up past 10pm is a huge feat. To go out drinking and whooping it up I think would just about kill me and take another week to recover.

So all I ask is this, take a moment to take stock in your own life and look at your dreams and hopes and see how close you are to achieving them and then join me in my wallowing and realization that indeed Birthdays are the devil.